marriage1經營一個成功的婚姻
For A Successful Marriage
對於基督徒而言，在「受洗」之後最重要的階段就是「結婚」的時刻。在結了婚之後，我們不再是單獨一個人，而是要在婚姻中與伴侶合為一體。這才是上帝最初創造人類的原型，也是人類最自然的狀態。
然而，今日的社會卻充斥著離婚的事件。還有許多家庭，雖然沒有離婚，卻過著慘淡的生活，每天都在爭執…等。現代有許多年輕人，很害怕結婚，因為他們在原生家庭中，對父母的爭吵有深刻的體驗，也吃了不少苦頭。
關於此，我想要以謙卑的心情，從「正教」（Orthodox）的觀點出發，並且參考自己擔任「屬靈父親」（spiritual father）的經驗，提出一些自己的拙見，供大家參考：
marriage1
經營一個成功的婚姻
For A Successful Marriage
對於基督徒而言，在「受洗」之後最重要的階段就是「結婚」的時刻。在結了婚之後，我們不再是單獨一個人，而是要在婚姻中與伴侶合為一體。這才是上帝最初創造人類的原型，也是人類最自然的狀態。
然而，今日的社會卻充斥著離婚的事件。還有許多家庭，雖然沒有離婚，卻過著慘淡的生活，每天都在爭執…等。現代有許多年輕人，很害怕結婚，因為他們在原生家庭中，對父母的爭吵有深刻的體驗，也吃了不少苦頭。
關於此，我想要以謙卑的心情，從「正教」（Orthodox）的觀點出發，並且參考自己擔任「屬靈父親」（spiritual father）的經驗，提出一些自己的拙見，供大家參考：
marriage2
‧「婚姻」是非常微妙又脆弱的。「婚姻」是「愛」的聖事，所以需要我們付出特別多的心力。就好像在照顧一朵美麗的花兒，除了必須讓它保有充足的水分、陽光，還要小心呵護，不讓它受到寒風侵襲…等。「愛」也是如此。即使在熱戀的時候，雙方都充滿強烈的情感，「愛」也需要呵護和培養，否則，「愛」就會逐漸消退，最後甚至有可能會完全消失。
‧擁有美好的婚姻，是一項極高的靈性成就。有一些人不斷尋找自己的真命天子，然而，我們必須提醒自己，丈夫或太太並不只是「一個好的選擇」而已，還有「逐漸蛻變」的過程。每個人都有可能藉由不斷進步，成為更好的先生或太太。就好像為人父或為人母的人，不僅僅是把孩子生下來而已，他們還會永遠無條件的付出愛，去照顧、保護、教育孩子，並且承擔未來一切問題。這樣做之後，才能成為真正的父母。婚姻也是如此。如果你能夠永遠付出無條件的愛，去關愛對方，為對方承擔一切問題，接受對方的缺點，你才能成為真正的丈夫或太太。
‧在正教神學（orthodox theology）當中，「男人和女人的結合」是最重要的基礎。馬可福音第10章第7節：「因此人才離開父親和母親，同他的妻子膠結。二人就成為一體」。在馬可福音中提到，結婚之後必須要「離開原生的家庭，與妻子結合或膠結在一起」，然而，很不幸的，很多的配偶，缺乏靈性，他們沒有作到「離開」原生家庭。
往往雙方家長在子女結婚之後，還是不斷介入子女的生活，這是非常不好的。即使子女是因為一些好的動機，允許雙方父母的介入，但是，這種作法還是不太好。沒有人應該介入這一對配偶。
不要讓孩子的重要性超過它應該占的比重。我的意思是，有時候有些家長愛他們的孩子超過愛自己的丈夫或太太，這樣的作法是非常錯誤的，因為這種狀況會使夫妻關係產生問題。孩子總有一天會長大，他們必須組成自己的家庭。馬可福音第10章第7節：「因此人才離開父親和母親，同他的妻子膠結。二人就成為一體」。到時候，孩子將要離開父母，最後只會留下父母親對孩子的愛。事實上，如果你不愛自己的太太或丈夫，你也無法用健康的、正確的方式去愛自己的子女。因為，父母對子女的愛，並不是家長對孩子的那種單方面的愛，而是一種源自於夫妻之間的情感交流的愛。況且，如果用一種病態的愛去愛子女，也會傷害到子女的性格，使他們產生情感方面的疾病。
夫妻必須將「保持夫妻之愛」放在第一順位。在日常生活中總是會有各種狀況發生，我們不能說，現在我有更緊急的事情，我沒有時間理我太太，或者說，我要照顧小孩沒時間理我先生…等。多年來我擔任教友的「屬靈父親」，在我的回憶中，每當我很嚴肅的向夫妻雙方提出建議，希望他們每週至少要有一整個下午的時間，完完全全屬於夫妻兩人，使夫妻回憶起彼此的愛，並且讓愛得到修復的時候，他們的表情總是非常驚訝。我希望他們不要讓每日例行的工作，摧毀了最初愛情的浪漫。在忙碌的生活中，手邊的工作總是做不完。儘管如此，我還是覺得「是否有時間」都取決於我們自己，因為，我們可以決定事情的先後順序。他們常常對我說。關心小孩也需要花很多時間…等，然而，我都會告訴他們，真正滋養孩子的，是父母之間的愛。如果父母常常發生爭執，就算不是當著孩子的面爭吵，孩子還是會知道父母並不和睦，因為孩子的心是最純淨的，他們有心電感應，他們可能會因此感覺到深層的痛苦，卻不知道如何表達。所以，父母之間的愛，才是滋養孩子的最主要的元素。
‧維持「愛」的良方，就是要屏除「自私的愛」。不要只是看著自己，就好像照鏡子一樣。在婚姻之中，兩個人必須共同朝某一目標邁進，攜手進入上帝的國度。他們有共同的目標與共同的目的。生活在一起，並不只是為了生理上的需求，他們必須努力地進步，並且幫助彼此進步。如果他們真的能夠努力實踐這條靈性道路，這將是非常美麗的一件事。他們的軟弱將被賦與意義，這是治療爭吵的良藥。
夫妻必須尊重彼此的人格特質。即使兩人的教育程度有懸殊，或是感覺另一半所喜愛的事物是很無趣的，仍然必須分享另一半的生活，對另一半感興趣的事物表達關心和熱忱。世上沒有全然無用或無趣的事物。舉個例子來說：如果太太很喜歡一些小東西，而先生是一位哲學家，他必須學著去關切一些女人會喜歡的小東西，例如：化妝品…等。這是一種與太太相敬如賓的態度，也是一種真愛的展現。因為，既然他與太太同為一體，無論如何，都要讓這些太太喜愛的小東西，成為他生命的一部分。
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‧「領聖餐」將幫助夫妻獲得一個全新的結合。在初期教會中，婚禮中的新人，會一起領聖餐。當然，告解也是很重要的。因為，重點不是我們犯了什麼錯，而是我們犯了錯卻沒有試著去彌補或解決，而且，我們沒有懺悔和改過的心，也沒有試著去治療心中的傷口。「告解」和「原諒」是穩固婚姻的要素。我很喜歡在配偶們面前，為他們念誦赦免罪過的祈禱文。當然，他們在告解的時候是分開來告解的（如果他們願意的話，也可以一起告解。有一些夫妻會一起告解，但是，這樣的夫妻非常少，只有那些非常具有靈性的夫妻可以一起告解，因為在彼此面前，他們不需要隱瞞任何事情），而且，他們必須知道，事實上，其中一人的罪，也是對方的罪，因為他們是夫妻。我還記得我已故的母親，有一次她去向一位年長的神父告解，這位神父教育程度並不高，而且容易感到煩躁。我的母親要求神父幫助她進行告解，她要神父逐一問她是不是有犯過各項不同的罪，這樣她才能想起自己所犯的所有罪過（很顯然的，她還沒有為告解最好準備…）。就在這個時候，這位神父問了她一個很奇怪的問題：「你的先生有沒有上教堂？他有沒有告解？…」我的母親聽到這樣的問題覺得非常驚訝，她問神父：「我的先生犯過什麼罪和我有什麼關係？來這邊告解的人是我，不是他。所以，你應該要問我犯過什麼罪才對啊。」結果，這個神父很不耐煩的回答她：「你知道你們是一對夫妻吧？你們既然是夫妻，妳的罪就是他的罪，他的罪也是妳的罪！」幾年過後，我開始瞭解這位老神父的智慧。他雖然沒有讀過神學，然而，他是一位真正的東正教徒，也是一位很好的丈夫。我一定要將這位神父記在心中，絕對不將他忘記。還記得有一次，在聖週（holy week）的漫長儀式結束之後，當時已經差不多是深夜十一點了，這位神父與他年老的妻子，共同離開教會一起回家，他們在大街上手牽著手，相互扶持，他們就好像是結合為一體的兩個人。我還記得他們銀白色的頭髮，還有他們走在一起的樣子…願這個美好的回憶能夠變成永恆…
‧當然，夫妻必須一起祈禱。這是維持雙方的愛的基礎，並且要原諒彼此的錯誤。我們都知道，離婚的夫妻通常不是為了什麼嚴重的問題而離婚，大部分都是為了一些雞毛蒜皮的小事。因為，夫妻從來不去面對、解決這些問題，也不花心力去撫平內心的傷口，所以生活中小小的錯誤或誤解，有可能會逐漸變成嚴重的大問題。就好像如果你不好好照顧身上的小傷口，最終它有可能變得嚴重，甚至引發致命的後果。
‧「婚姻」不該造就一個懶惰的太太。一個懶散的家庭主婦的工作，往往只有打掃家裡、出門買東西、看電視，還有和所有人爭吵。家庭主婦必須懂得一些生活藝術，並且運用在自己的重要工作上，例如：如果她想要好好照顧孩子的話，她必須保持自己的創造力。
‧夫妻雙方必須常常想起，儘管夫妻彼此相愛，然而，還有一個「更」愛他們的人，也就是上帝。他們必須信任這個「愛」，並且從上帝的「愛」中去求取。
‧夫妻雙方必須謹記在心，在配偶之間，爭取「什麼是對的、什麼是錯的」，並且以此責備對方，是沒有意義的。夫妻雙方不應該以辯論的方式作交流，因為，如果夫妻雙方進行辯論，絕對不會有贏的一方。夫妻是一體的。雙方是對的、也是錯的。所以他們必須瞭解，相互爭吵、相互試探都是沒有沒有用的。向對方說：「你是錯的，我才是對的」是沒有意義的，因為，夫妻雙方都必須不斷學習，不斷訓練自己的心，使自己真正瞭解並且達到「夫妻同體」的境界。
‧夫妻雙方必須清楚知道，愛是永恆的，愛超越了死亡。如果夫妻彼此相愛，就能夠一起超越死亡。
or a successful marriage
marriage is the most important moment of a Christian after his baptism. after marriage a person is not alone, an individual, but he becomes one with another person. it is as god created human beings. in a marriage.
this is the natural and normal condition, to be in marriage not alone.
but as we see today, there are so many divorces. and more unhappy conditions in non divorced families, quarrellings etc… many young people today are afraid to get married because they experienced the quarrellings and many other hardships from their parents.
so i would like to give some humble advice from the orthodox point of view. and my poor experience as a spiritual father.
marriage is a very delicate thing. it is the sacrament of love. and needs special care. like a beautiful flower, to keep and preserve needs water, sun, needs to protect from the cold air, etc… the love also , -even if started as very strong love- needs care so to increase otherwise it will gradually decrease and unfortunately disappear.
good marriage is a very spiritual achievement. some people search for Mr. or Ms . right . but we must remember husband and wife is not only a matter of good choice but a becoming. YOU BECOME CONTINUOUSLY GOOD HUSBAND/WIFE. like to be father or mother, it is not only to be the biological father but to continue to love unconditionally, to take care, to protect, to teach the kid and bear all his problems. then you BECOME A FATHER OR MOTHER. the same is for the marriage. YOU BECOME HUSBAND OR WIFE if you love unconditionally, take care, bear the difficulties, accept the weakness of the other.
for orthodox theology the union of man and woman is the most fundamental. KJG Mark 10:7 For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife; it says leave his previous family , and cleave=stick to his wife. but unfortunately many couples , lack spirituality and they do not ‘leave’ so
o many times parents continue to interfere with the couple and this is very bad if the couple allow them, even they have good intentions. nobody must interfere to the couple
o the kids become more important that should be. i mean sometimes some parent loves the kid MORE THAT THE HUSBAND/WIFE and this creates problem in the relationship of the couple. this is a big mistake. the kid will grow up and make his own family , the kid MUST KJG Mark 10:7 For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife; so what remains is the love of the parents. and actually if you do not love your wife/husband you do not love healthy and correctly the kid. because the love for kid COMES FROM THE MUTUAL LOVE OF THE COUPLE, NOT AS INDIVIDUAL LOVE OF THE HUSBAND OR WIFE TO THE KID. and loving a kid by a sick love you also harm his character and make an emotionally sick kid.
o the couple must put as first priority to keep their love. in life always there are situations . we cannot say, now i have no time for my wife because it is urgent i must do this, etc… or because i must take care of the kids. as a spiritual father i always remember the surprise of the people with whom i talked when i advised them very strongly and seriously to dedicate every week one afternoon for THEM ONLY. to remember their love, to renew their love, not to allow the daily routine to destroy the romance of their first love. job is always, never stops. it is up to us to put priorities. they used to say to me … but the kids need time for care etc… but i say that really feeds the kids is the love between the parents. if the parents quarrel, even not in front of them, even in the other side of the world, the kids know , because their heart is pure and they have telepathy. they know but they cannot express they feel a deep pain . so the love of the parents MAINLY feeds the kid.
to keep the love is also to make the love not selfish . not like watching a mirror . in marriage 2 people together GO SOMEWHERE. they go to the kingdom of heavens. they have a goal a common purpose. they cannot just live in the same house only for the biological needs. they must improve and help each other to improve. it is beautiful if they really try to practice this way , the way of spirituality. this will give a meaning even to their weakness , a medicine to the quarrellings.
o they must respect the personality of each other. even the one is very educated must share with the other, and also show interest for what the other considers as interesting , even he things that this is stupid. nothing is useless or stupid. if the wife for example likes some small things and the husband is a philosopher, he must also so care to learn the small women things like cosmetics etc…. it is politeness and real love. because they ARE A PART OF HIM ANYHOW SINCE HE IS ONE WITH HIS WIFE.
the holy communion helps the people to renew their union. in the first church marriages the first couples where receiving the holy communion together. and of course to confess is very important. because it is not the mistakes we do the most important things. it is the mistakes that we do not try to solve, it is that we do not repent, we do not try to heal. the confession and the forgiveness is the stability of the marriage. i like to read the prayer of forgiveness to a couple together. of course they confess separately (if they want, there are couples who confess together but those couples are very rare , very few so spiritual that they have nothing to hide from each other) and they must know that the sin of the one is also the sin of the other because they are couple. i remember my mother. she is dead now. once she went to confess to an old priest , not high educated and easy to be upset. my mother asked him to help her , asking her about different sins , so that she will remember (obviously she was not prepared to confess…) but the old priest asked her a very strange question” does your husband go to church, confess etc…? ” my mother was very surprised. she told him, what my husband has do do with me? i am hear to confess , not him ask me about my sins. but the old priest told her in his upset way” do not you know that you are couple? that your sins are your husband sins and his sins are yours? ” after years i realized the wisdom of the old priest. he did not study theology. but he was a real orthodox and a good husband. i will never forget him. i remember him after the long ceremonies of the holy week, very late about 11pm or later to leave the church to go to his house with his old wife holding each other and helping each other in the street. like one . i remember their white hair and how they walked together , like one person. may their memory be eternal….
of course the couple must pray together. this is very basic to keep their love and forgive each others mistakes. as you know it is not any big thing between them which makes them to divorce , it is the small everyday stupid things, the small mistakes and misunderstandings which gradually, because they do not solve them and cure them become gradually big. like a small wound, which if you do not take care can finally cause your death.
the marriage must not make the wife a lazy person , a house wife whose job is only to clean the house everyday and gossip and watch tv and quarrel with all. she must have some job or some art if she wants to take care of the kids, something to keep her creativity.
they must remember that even they love each other , there is somebody who loves them MORE and this is god. they must trust this love and take from this love.
they must remember between the couple there is no meaning to say who is right and who is wrong and accuse each other. they are not in a debate. there is no winner between them. they are both one. they are both right and wrong. so they must understand , in the time of temptation in the time of quarreling that it is pointless , meaningless to say you are wrong, i am right. because they should learn that they are one, practice this and be trained to this.
and they must finally know that love is forever, love is above the death, if they love, they overcome the death.
